Nothing makes my mind go blank quicker than a question like that, especially when it's asked by someone I don't know or trust. I stammered out a couple of sentences about it being normal because as I say, I don't know or trust this guy yet, he can't possibly expect me to tell him about the screaming, and fear, and threats of abandonment, right?
He asked what my diagnosis was and when I said Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and anxiety, he muttered something about everyone being able to fit some symptoms of personality disorders, and some doctors don't really believe in them.
When he asked me about Adam and Jack I started crying. Feeling like a crap mother because of my mental health problems is a big trigger for me, and I hate to cry in front of people, so you can see how much fun that was to go through.
He wants me to do an independence course, art therapy, an online mood gym... It's just too much right now. It sounds so pathetic, but I just want to be left alone. I could probably do one of those things at a time, but just the thought of having to do all of that, and interact with that many new people, is making my chest tighten and my heart race. I know I should be grateful that he wants to help me, and that these resources are there, but I just don't feel like I can manage that much at once. It feels like there are all these people in my life telling me what I should do, and I don't feel in control of it any more.
Things that are making me anxious today:
- My flat is a mess, there is stuff everywhere, and the bathroom smells of cats (I don't have cats, but I do have two young boys with aiming problems).
- We can't afford swimming lessons for both Adam and Jack, so it's just Adam getting them at the moment, and I worry that Jack is going to miss out.
- I have to pick Adam up from school this afternoon because Andy has to take Jack to a birthday party.
- Climate change (don't laugh, the weather is fucked at the moment and it makes me worry about what the world will be like when my kids are adults).
- That I'm fucking up my children just by being their mother.